Great start on this! Here’s what I really like so far: -the way you choose lines and quote them to show us things about the song -the way your sentences are short and clear and concise -the way you help us see the pictures that Bowie is painting with his words Here’s what could benefit from revision attention: Consider the order of your sentences in the intro. You begin with the song, jump to Bowie, and then jump back to the song. How can we introduce things linearly without jumping around like that? Here’s the biggest problem so far: Your thesis does not have a main claim beyond naming themes. In analysis, you want to show that the strategies you analyze are all pointing to one deeper truth about the song that we can only see after looking closely. We can see on first glance that this song is about identity issues, so it needs to go beyond that. What about identify and self does the song convey? Once you decide, add this main claim to your thesis AND your topic sentences to keep readers on track. Once you figure that out, consider restructuring your essay. Your thesis previews an essay with three parts: imagery, language, and lyrics. But instead of separating these into parts, you have a second introduction of sorts (“themes,” which really needs to be part of your intro before the thesis) and then you cram all the analysis into one section. Combine the intro and themes section, end with a 1-2 sentence thesis, and then order your essay with three main sections: imagery, language, and lyrics. This will help you see what needs expanded, which will also help with length. Finally, the comparison section seems out of place. Should that be part of your intro? Should it be part of the analysis essay at all? (Does it further the analysis?) & References need alphabetized.
