Puberty is an interesting time in everyone’s life. the stories are unique and similar… the awareness of body changes, worries about fitting in and looking different, and if you go through it at the same time as others … or earlier or later.. Support at home is critical to help teens pass through this with minimal effects… the style of parenting and discipline are also reflected in the after effects. How did y’all experience it? What would you recommend for other preteens? Morality is another beast… Kohlberg gives a good description of how we progress. Avoiding punishment, then following laws, and eventually and hopefully getting to a place when you can understand when it’s appropriate to do wrong in the right way… How can we guide youngsters in growing in this way? What about adults who’ve never really grown up morally? (I call road rage and office rage adult tantrums…). The ideas offered by Kohlberg are an excellent starting grounds and kind of make basic sense…. we don’t do the things that hurt us, and eventually focus more on empathy and getting along with others… playing nice in the sand box…. below is an interesting, almost convoluted statement about morality: “I shall assume that the moral form of life is a recognizable form of life—although it might be actually instantiated in the lives of a very few people—and that it is quite easily discernible from a form of life that is immoral or morally indifferent. I shall assume also that, for many people, morality is a matter of great seriousness, that for them, the moral pursuit is the highest pursuit, that moral considerations always have an overriding character. (morality and moral training by Mrinal Miri) And I also like Dr. Bruce Bailey’s take: “• Ethics – the philosophical examination of what constitutes right and wrong or good and bad behavior • Morality – the function of applying ethical principles (technically you don’t have ethical behavior, your have moral behavior) • Virtue – thought or behavior guided by high moral standards “. Often we call morality training as ‘socialization’ – how to get along in a social society and these are the rules whereby we all live …. not everyone gets the training or standards at home, but everyone gets some form of training and standards from home as demonstrated by the question from the WISC III Child IQ test: “what would you do if you found a wallet or purse in a store”… when I’ve asked classes and groups I’m speaking to the responses fit into 3 categories: 1. I’d keep it, finders keepers – losers weepers. 2. I’d take the cash out of it as a finders fee then turn it in 3. I’d return it or give it to the store manager – I’d hate to not get my wallet/purse back. Each group has had about the same percentage of people in it. Surprising? My mother trained us in this regard by demonstrating a moral life. After checking out at the grocery store she’d scan the receipt and if there were errors go back and correct them. It could be an error in her favor or in favor of the store, it didn’t matter. She wanted the receipt to be fair and accurate. Also, one day whilst walking to tend the family garden laying beside the road was a stack of bills wrapped with elastic bands. It was about $350.00. I remember her gasping at how much money it was. This was in the early 70s, so $350 was a lot of money – about 2 house payments. She put the money in her purse and called and turned it over to the police department as lost and found. They documented it so if someone called reporting lost money on 100 North street between 400 and 500 west it could be returned to the owner. Surprisingly, 6 months later a policeman knocked on the door, handed my mom and envelope with the money in it saying: “the law states that if something lost isn’t collected after 6 months it can be returned to the finder or given away”. I guess you could say that honesty paid off that day? I’d disagree, the honest paid off the day it was found and turned into the police. We were taught a great lesson in integrity and compassion for others. As a ‘we have just enough money to get by if we’re careful family’ that much money meant a lot. As kids we’d have to do chores for neighbors to earn spending money and often wore hand me down clothes (our neighborhood was interesting as everyone was involved in passing clothes around after they were out grown). Yet, the empathy and regard for others taught was priceless. Chapter 9 Discussion “Let’s talk about sex baby, let’s talk about you and me….. ” a line to an old song… yet it is one of the most important things you can establish in your home. How and when you’ll talk about sex sets the groundwork for how you’ll talk about any sensitive topic among the family and with the children, teens, or young adults. It will naturally reflect the ideas, opinions, and (more importantly) the issues of the adults. The coming issues will play out these dynamics in the home and be seen in many more things. Interestingly, the book lumps sex together in the same chapter as career and social and antisocial behaviors as well as depression. ibid to the above…. things will play out again and again in different forms but with the same themes (kind of like tv shows, movies, and popular books… the same ole stuff keeps coming around again and again). In our home we talked about sex openly and the human body and what goes on naturally as just a part of life. So we’ve had all kinds of conversations that would have turned my parents (and most of that generation) red faced.. My daughter, in fact, when she was about 5 asked some questions again about how the baby got inside mommy. We told her and so she thought for a minute and said “well, if you want to do it I’ll watch the baby”. It just became a matter of life.. Because of this foundation in our home my children’s emotional moments and other issues have been open forum too. It shocks most to hear that we know about boy friends/girl friends and all kinds of angsty stuff. So much that we are really close… and at the same time are accused by others of having an enmeshed family. Boy are they ignorant. We are just close, not enmeshed… we make sure we have couple time and don’t act as mediators for all things… just on call as needed. After all, the goal of good parenting is to become obsolete… thank heavens! I hated doing diapers and don’t miss it. I don’t need to hold their hand as they walk or even drive around the country. Because we’re not required to help take care of the basic elements of life (becoming obsolete in that way) we can have adult parent- child relationships. How have you seen it ? Either in your life or via the media?
